struggles

Support

One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn in the past few years is how to be of support to someone I love, to someone I care about. We have automatic tendencies to give advice, to say something of use to another person, but sometimes, that’s just not what the person wants or needs to hear.

I remember hearing of a poem and since then, I have kept it in my mind ever since. It is hard for me, for us, to just listen. To be able to sit in the other person’s pain and not want to remedy or alleviate. But it’s important to sit, to share in, to feel what that person is going through.

This was evident during the summer and following up to last night. Partner was struggling, consumed with anxiety and fear and it was so hard for me to resist comfort. While I failed here and there, I had to learn how to say different things. Instead of trying to reassure and tell him that he would do fine, I had to say that I would be there for him despite whatever outcomes may have arisen. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all, maybe I should have.

A few weeks ago, a friend shared difficulties with her partner, about what he was going through and how difficult it was for her to be witness to that. I remember suggesting to her that she check in with the therapist he was going to see, to ask the therapist how she could be of support to him. I have remembered that since because it reminded me of how I should react and also what I need to suggest to my clients. Granted, in that latter position, I actually get to provide the suggestions, but it’s a reminder to the kids and the families I work with that yes, while the kid is the one coming to therapy, in reality, it’s all of them. All key players are a part of that child’s life and how can we all be a team and learn to support what that kid’s needs are?

It’s hard. It’s hard to just listen, to do nothing more than listen. I am still struggling with it. It’s a fine line to cross – at which point is someone asking for advice and at which point is someone not? Is the question implied? Or is a disclaimer needed? What I do know is that I need to be more mindful of when that occurs and truly strive to be as supportive as I can.

Everybody Starts Somewhere

Today one of my supervisors said that to me while I was doubting my abilities to provide the best client care for a monolingual Vietnamese client. And in that moment, I truly understood that this negative self talk, this instant reaction to minimize my accomplishments really, really needs to go and in order to do that, I have to remember that superstars weren’t always superstars – they were me. And one day, I will be my own superstar.

It won’t be easy – the cessation of my self-deprecating views, but it’s a start. I was thinking about the different ways through which I can measure my growth and while I may still need to figure out what that will look like, I realized that it’s like growing taller. Most days, you won’t notice it, but when you start to make marks, use a baseline from the last change, that’s when you will realize that you’ve grown. So in this time for me, I can to figure out what I can use to measure my own growth. Will it be in the form of a blog? Will there be an assessment tool? Or simply just the memory that once upon a time, I didn’t know the answer to one plus one.