relationship

Timelines

I’ve been grappling with this one for a while now. I am conflicted because I feel as if I have been in a space where I could envision the future, but to be with someone who doesn’t have fantasies like I have, who doesn’t have the what-if talks like I have with myself, it’s been odd. I always knew that – I love to plan and have things booked in advance if I can; he sometimes struggles with thinking two to three weeks ahead. It’s not to say that one is doing it better than the other. He is more about the present and I like to look to the future.

But now we’re in that space in our lives where we’re “supposed” to be doing things that frankly, I don’t think we’re both ready for. As he eloquently put it the other day, we both want the same things but at different points in our lives. (Might need clarification on what his “things” are in comparison to my “things”…). In essence, isn’t that what most long-term relationships are about? That you’ll eventually be ready for the same things at the same thing and who’s to say that just because someone is ready for one thing now that the other needs to hurry it up to get with the program? Then I wonder if the roles were reversed – if he was more ready to move forward and I wasn’t, would I still be pressured to catch up?

Then the bigger question, why in the world are we being told to hurry it up? Daddy gave me a talk the other day and basically told me that I don’t have forever to wait and I need to get moving along in this relationship of mine. That was unexpected because I never thought he would ever encourage me to settle down, etc. I knew it would come from mother, but not Daddy. But why? Why am I being questioned constantly about whether or not this “waiting” is right for me? In a way, I want to rebel and tell everyone to fuck off because they can’t possibly understand the dynamics of the relationship without being in the relationship. (Unless you’re trying to psychoanalyze, then maybe, but even then, it’s still speculation.)

We shouldn’t have to follow a timeline and I wish that others could understand that. Only we can create those timelines for ourselves and it’s our responsibility to have that discussion to figure out what does and doesn’t work. For now, it is working just fine for me. I don’t need a ring, I don’t need a house, I don’t need kids. I need to take things one step at a time. I need to figure out who I am in a world that doesn’t revolve in expiration dates. I need to have a partner in crime who’s also allowing his timeline to settle and when we want to reach our relationship milestones together, then that’s when our timelines will coincide. Not when my parents want them to. Not when the world wants them to. When we want to.

What’s Next?

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing as I’m currently hopped up on caffeine at… 12am in the morning. Maybe I don’t even know what I’m writing. I’ve been on a Grey’s Anatomy marathon, just wanting to watch from the beginning, mostly because it’s on Netflix and mostly because the holiday season is coming around and TV is getting boring and lame as they go on break.

Anyway, the beginning of series has the original cast, some of which don’t make it, some who leave. There’s only a handful of people who’ve lasted all ten seasons of the show and it’s surprising to see how people have started and where they started. The most interesting of all is the epic love story that happens during the series. To see all of their complications, fights, etc. It makes me wonder if love should be that difficult or is it just drama? How much of our ideas of love are shaped by the media? Or is it on what we see in life? If I had to base my ideas of love in life, I don’t have much to go on.

One relationship was marred by a partner who was not very inconsiderate and not very willing to change her behavior and for whatever reason, ended. One relationship survived the tests of time and distance, proving that no matter when your “celebration of love” happens, it doesn’t mean that your relationship needs to have a time limit of when it moves to the next level. Many people have been on my case about that next level. When will it move? How long will I wait? And I wonder, what is the rush? What is a few years in comparison to the rest of my life? And to be honest, I don’t even feel ready for this next level to begin with. I have my own reservations and hesitations about what my life will look like after May. There are doubts about if I’ll make it to May, if my own anxieties will get in the way of my success in May.

I will make it. I have to make it. There is no option to do otherwise.

After that, we’ll see how I feel about this “next level” stuff. But for now, I Just want the questions to stop. But you try telling all your family that. -_-

Partners

Lately I’ve been thinking about what makes people last, what makes people compatible with one another. What is the secret ingredient to long-lasting love and a half-century of happiness together?

My parents split up a few years ago, yet they carry on as if nothing really changed. Daddy comes home for dinner and they both sit on the couch to watch Vietnamese dramas. Next week, they’re going on a cruise together. While I have gotten over the shock of their split, I wonder why they did it in the first place if they are still doing things together, still seeing each other, still acting like companions with one another. Their relationship confuses me; divorce should mean that while they can still be friendly and civil with one another, in a sense, they should be apart. They should spend less time with each other and considering I’m the only child left in the house and I already know about the split, it’s not as if they need to keep up the pretense.

I was trying to think about the type of relationship that you need to have with your partner in order to make it work. How vulnerable can you be? Should this other person be someone with whom you can be your most vulnerable and still feel supported? Can there really be a “no secrets” relationship? Can this person still love me despite the darkest moments of my life? Is this person willing to do the same? To share their inner darknesses with me, to be vulnerable with me, to allow me to nurture their pain?

Is it bigger than vulnerability? Is it trust? Love? Compatibility? Companionship? All of the above and more? Does the relationship work because you make each other happy? Or because you are two individuals who have found another outlet of support and really enjoy each other’s support? Is it a “needs” relationship – I need you; you need me? Or is it – I don’t need you to function and survive in life, but I really, really, really, really like that you are in my life?

What do I want? What am I looking for? What are the qualities of a relationship that I am willing and not willing to negotiate? What is important to me? And are my needs compatible with his?