processing

What to publish, what not to publish

I’ve been thinking about this idea of a public blog for a while and considering that I’m doing this post to Facebook thing, it really gets me thinking about the content that I’m posting. What if I’m posting my thoughts on an issue in which other people are involved? What if my comments on said issue can affect someone, either how they feel about themselves or about me? Should I care? Should I be able to say what I freely want to say without fear of repercussions?  But if I’m discussing things that bother me, wouldn’t it be better for me to discuss it with the people involved?

But ultimately, I’m guess I’m deciding that this is my space and by posting this onto FB, I’m allowing people to visit me in my space and how they choose to comment or discuss with me is their choice and I will respect them of their choice. Should I discuss an issue I have with other people, then that should be on me to decide on whether or not I should discuss it with them and if we should work it out, or as the boyfriend says, “if it bugs me enough, I’ll tell you.” While I hate that comment, I can understand the desire to avoid confrontation, especially if it’s not on a particularly large or pressing issue.

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Everybody Starts Somewhere

Today one of my supervisors said that to me while I was doubting my abilities to provide the best client care for a monolingual Vietnamese client. And in that moment, I truly understood that this negative self talk, this instant reaction to minimize my accomplishments really, really needs to go and in order to do that, I have to remember that superstars weren’t always superstars – they were me. And one day, I will be my own superstar.

It won’t be easy – the cessation of my self-deprecating views, but it’s a start. I was thinking about the different ways through which I can measure my growth and while I may still need to figure out what that will look like, I realized that it’s like growing taller. Most days, you won’t notice it, but when you start to make marks, use a baseline from the last change, that’s when you will realize that you’ve grown. So in this time for me, I can to figure out what I can use to measure my own growth. Will it be in the form of a blog? Will there be an assessment tool? Or simply just the memory that once upon a time, I didn’t know the answer to one plus one.

Starting Fresh

The funny thing is now that Xanga has gone away with free blogging, I was looking for a new outlet and I couldn’t find a suitable that I would have enjoyed. So while this blog is not necessarily free, I do feel a sense of freedom in being able to post here, process my thoughts, etc.

One of the things on my mind lately is the idea that when you look for a partner, you are looking for someone who represents a parent. In a heterosexual relationship, I, as a daughter, would look for someone with qualities like my father. Though interestingly, the argument can also be made against it to say that people would want to look for someone opposite their parent, someone unlike my father.

I’ve been trying to decide if either one matters. While there is a part of me who would want someone needy, someone who attaches to me, someone who affectionately and romantically dotes on me with his every waking breath, I’m also accustomed to someone who, while may still love me a great deal, doesn’t do any of those things – just like my father.

See, Daddy was not the overly affectionate man, at least not after I turned 8. There were few “I love you”s, few hugs, few words of affection and encouragement. While that may have brought a lot of resentment throughout my teenage years, it was during college and still now that I am learning all the ways in which my daddy shows me that he cares. It really helps me build my intuitive skills of being able to see the signs in different ways.

For example, Daddy never says no to anything that I ask that would be considered as a need. Car registration due? Yes, he can pay for it. I moved into the master bedroom that was supposed to house two cats, a cat tree, and a queen sized bed? Let’s get you a twin-bunk work station so you have more room. Sprained my ankle and had to hobble around the house? I’ll drive you to and wait with you at the doctor’s office. At no point in my life did he stop loving or caring for me; at no point did he ever do anything to hurt me or create a deficit in any way.

However, all those years left me yearning for an affection that would never come, not in the form that I was looking for it anyway. While I am still working on those “kinks” to my personality, my needs and wants, I wonder if that kind of “affection” is something that I am still yearning for in a partner, something that I still need. That in order to feel validated as a person of worth and as a person deserving of love, I need to find a partner who can constantly affirm me.

Which brings me back to my current partner. While he is not a replica of Daddy, there are features to him that remind me of Daddy – he is amazingly independent, driven, ambitious, and definitely not a person to dote “affectionately” on another in the sense that we in this Western, American society considers as “affectionate” actions. But the other amazing part is that this man, this person who has chosen to be my partner, loves me and loves me in ways that only I would know and see as signs of love, like when he would wake up on Saturday mornings just to drive me to practices and pick me up later. Or drive to Fremont during traffic hours to pick me up from the BART station. Or set aside his studies for the weekend because I was there to visit him. Those are the things that tell me otherwise and this man, just like my daddy, has never given me any reason to doubt him otherwise.

So, in regards to the original question of am I looking for someone like my daddy or not? I would say that I am not looking for either. I am looking for a partner who will love me for me, despite the fact that I still have so much growth to do. But the thing is, everybody needs to grow and I guess what I’m really looking for is someone who not only loves me, but is willing to grow with me, even if we are doing it separately yet together.