I suffer from anxiety. I thought it was only limited to schoolwork and things like research papers, but as I think more about it now, I really do have a lot of anxiety. I was thinking about what I would do after graduation. I’d have to go on a job hunt. How adventurous do I want to be? Do I only want to build skills in family and children services? Do I want to work with other populations like adults? A part of me said no, I don’t want to branch out. The other part says I should because it’s helpful and it will make me well-rounded. I then went back to think about why I was afraid to branch out.
And it comes down to anxiety. I am afraid. I am afraid of not doing the right things all the time, especially when it comes to working with the clients. I am afraid that I won’t be good enough and won’t have the skills to apply for positions with other populations, that no one will want to train me and will expect me to know it all.
My first few weeks of internship were so nerve-wracking for me. I was very anxious, very scared, very doubtful of my abilities. While I am a firm believer that everyone needs feedback on their performance on ways to improve, at the same time, I feel as if I need feedback as validation of the things I can do well.
I am an anxious person. I take twenty steps and can’t remember if I locked the car. Sometimes, I’ll run back. I hate driving next to cars on the road, or driving up behind someone while in their blind spot because I’m afraid they won’t see me and try to merge. I have difficulty initiating hangouts with people for fear that they won’t find me interesting enough to keep around or spend time with. I have difficulty going to large parties without someone I know for fear of being too afraid to meet new people and not look awkward being alone. I am afraid all the time and I judge myself all the time.
I used to think I was just a person of habit and that I liked to stay in my comfort zone because it was comforting. I’m now starting to think that I stay in the box because I’m so afraid of how I’ll measure up once I leave it and I don’t think I can do it alone, at least not now anyway. Maybe someday.