Always Amazed

The whole weekend I was thinking about my Wednesday dinner and how after all that time, I was still upset about it. I was able to get over the birthday thing, but the dinner was really eating at me, so much so that I actually ignored my dinner partner almost all weekend, even though there were times I wanted to tell him funny stuff.

I decided that because I was still upset, I’d tell him about it and we’d talk about it, together. When I realized I’d be having some free time today, I asked if he wanted to hang out and sure enough, he did. I made it a point to talk to him when we were in private and weren’t in a rush. While I was still shy about it, I told him my concerns and how I was feeling.

At first, I was sad – in a way, blaming myself for having pushed him for a mid-week meal despite knowing how busy he was with work. I also forgot to factor in that on the same day, he had a terrible morning and had missed a bit of work, so it wasn’t exactly the most easy going of days for him (not that any day is easy going, but this was even less so). Even without having remembered that, I realized that if we were to really enjoy our time together, then we needed to find a balance in which we’d put aside some of the things that worried us so that we could have a good time. There will be times when that’s not an option and it’s up to us to decide how we want to involve the other person in our worries because if we can’t ask for another person’s support, then how do we grow with them in our moments of vulnerability?

The more I thought about our dinner, the less sad I became and the angrier I was. Our dinner was our time. It wasn’t a time to worry about work, about school, about the things that pertain to our day-to-day life. While yes, we could converse about it, make small talk or rant, but at the end of the day, our quality time is for us. I refuse to sit in a meal, or with anyone who’s not in the right frame of mind to enjoy my company and if my dinner partner isn’t willing to figure out a good work-life balance, then he’s going to have to find a way to if I’m to stick around.

I was really surprised that after I told him how I felt, he admitted to having known how his behavior wasn’t appropriate during dinner and apologized. I was taken aback by his response as he usually isn’t great at picking up the small things that I worry about and in that moment, I felt more connected and more in love with this man that I didn’t think I could be. I could define this moment as a moment of growth for the both of us and to know that we are willing to do this together, to admit to our wrongdoings and to be vulnerable with one another – I couldn’t have asked for a better person to do this with.

He asked me today, “Do you think I look better than this guy?” I said, “Always.”

Dinner at The Sea
Our post-shopping dinner – possibly to make up for the not-so-great one before?

 

What to publish, what not to publish

I’ve been thinking about this idea of a public blog for a while and considering that I’m doing this post to Facebook thing, it really gets me thinking about the content that I’m posting. What if I’m posting my thoughts on an issue in which other people are involved? What if my comments on said issue can affect someone, either how they feel about themselves or about me? Should I care? Should I be able to say what I freely want to say without fear of repercussions?  But if I’m discussing things that bother me, wouldn’t it be better for me to discuss it with the people involved?

But ultimately, I’m guess I’m deciding that this is my space and by posting this onto FB, I’m allowing people to visit me in my space and how they choose to comment or discuss with me is their choice and I will respect them of their choice. Should I discuss an issue I have with other people, then that should be on me to decide on whether or not I should discuss it with them and if we should work it out, or as the boyfriend says, “if it bugs me enough, I’ll tell you.” While I hate that comment, I can understand the desire to avoid confrontation, especially if it’s not on a particularly large or pressing issue.

Continue reading What to publish, what not to publish

Everybody Starts Somewhere

Today one of my supervisors said that to me while I was doubting my abilities to provide the best client care for a monolingual Vietnamese client. And in that moment, I truly understood that this negative self talk, this instant reaction to minimize my accomplishments really, really needs to go and in order to do that, I have to remember that superstars weren’t always superstars – they were me. And one day, I will be my own superstar.

It won’t be easy – the cessation of my self-deprecating views, but it’s a start. I was thinking about the different ways through which I can measure my growth and while I may still need to figure out what that will look like, I realized that it’s like growing taller. Most days, you won’t notice it, but when you start to make marks, use a baseline from the last change, that’s when you will realize that you’ve grown. So in this time for me, I can to figure out what I can use to measure my own growth. Will it be in the form of a blog? Will there be an assessment tool? Or simply just the memory that once upon a time, I didn’t know the answer to one plus one.