I’ve been grappling with this one for a while now. I am conflicted because I feel as if I have been in a space where I could envision the future, but to be with someone who doesn’t have fantasies like I have, who doesn’t have the what-if talks like I have with myself, it’s been odd. I always knew that – I love to plan and have things booked in advance if I can; he sometimes struggles with thinking two to three weeks ahead. It’s not to say that one is doing it better than the other. He is more about the present and I like to look to the future.
But now we’re in that space in our lives where we’re “supposed” to be doing things that frankly, I don’t think we’re both ready for. As he eloquently put it the other day, we both want the same things but at different points in our lives. (Might need clarification on what his “things” are in comparison to my “things”…). In essence, isn’t that what most long-term relationships are about? That you’ll eventually be ready for the same things at the same thing and who’s to say that just because someone is ready for one thing now that the other needs to hurry it up to get with the program? Then I wonder if the roles were reversed – if he was more ready to move forward and I wasn’t, would I still be pressured to catch up?
Then the bigger question, why in the world are we being told to hurry it up? Daddy gave me a talk the other day and basically told me that I don’t have forever to wait and I need to get moving along in this relationship of mine. That was unexpected because I never thought he would ever encourage me to settle down, etc. I knew it would come from mother, but not Daddy. But why? Why am I being questioned constantly about whether or not this “waiting” is right for me? In a way, I want to rebel and tell everyone to fuck off because they can’t possibly understand the dynamics of the relationship without being in the relationship. (Unless you’re trying to psychoanalyze, then maybe, but even then, it’s still speculation.)
We shouldn’t have to follow a timeline and I wish that others could understand that. Only we can create those timelines for ourselves and it’s our responsibility to have that discussion to figure out what does and doesn’t work. For now, it is working just fine for me. I don’t need a ring, I don’t need a house, I don’t need kids. I need to take things one step at a time. I need to figure out who I am in a world that doesn’t revolve in expiration dates. I need to have a partner in crime who’s also allowing his timeline to settle and when we want to reach our relationship milestones together, then that’s when our timelines will coincide. Not when my parents want them to. Not when the world wants them to. When we want to.
4 thoughts on “Timelines”
Some great thoughts, D. If you plan to spend the rest of your life with your partner, why rush? I’m with you there. Right now, I kind of want rings, but not a wedding. I’m not sure why! So long as I enjoy his company, everything is good. I mean, I have my condo and he may move in some day, but I wouldn’t sell it without getting married. I’m not interested in kids, which probably helps with the no rushing. I do want to have a feeling we are going towards forever even if there is not a marriage yet.
We got back from a trip today and I posted some photos on Facebook. Multiple people asked if we got engaged. I guess that means it is time to get used to other people having their own timelines for us! We have only been dating 9.5 months and known each other for six.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, D!
I want something shiny too! It’s hard because everybody else you happen to run into has a nice shiny ring and I totally want one! Not what comes with it, but just the ring! And I want a wedding not for what it means, but that I can plan a really fancy party and it’s (sort of) about me!
The not wanting kids definitely helps with the timeline. I do and there’s this clock that is starting to get antsy even if I still have a few more years to go.
I want the forever feeling too! He just isn’t ready to see if that’s what he sees for us.
I saw those pictures. Cute!
This is your relationship, and only the two of you know what is right and when timing is right. I wish people would just leave us all alone and let us decide when we’re ready to take the next step. It is so annoying to constantly be pressured, am I right?
Agreed! I assume you’re getting a different kind of pressure now that the hubby has returned? lol