What to publish, what not to publish

I’ve been thinking about this idea of a public blog for a while and considering that I’m doing this post to Facebook thing, it really gets me thinking about the content that I’m posting. What if I’m posting my thoughts on an issue in which other people are involved? What if my comments on said issue can affect someone, either how they feel about themselves or about me? Should I care? Should I be able to say what I freely want to say without fear of repercussions?  But if I’m discussing things that bother me, wouldn’t it be better for me to discuss it with the people involved?

But ultimately, I’m guess I’m deciding that this is my space and by posting this onto FB, I’m allowing people to visit me in my space and how they choose to comment or discuss with me is their choice and I will respect them of their choice. Should I discuss an issue I have with other people, then that should be on me to decide on whether or not I should discuss it with them and if we should work it out, or as the boyfriend says, “if it bugs me enough, I’ll tell you.” While I hate that comment, I can understand the desire to avoid confrontation, especially if it’s not on a particularly large or pressing issue.

So to get to my current thought of the week… I know I’ll get over it, but until then, let me ruminate on this. So ’twas my birthday week. I know I had celebrated on Saturday by inviting people to attend a small gathering at a local wine bar. While I am grateful that those who showed up did, at the same time, I was a little disappointed by the people who didn’t. I understand illnesses and can “excuse” that, but for others, it makes me wonder what really went on into the deciding factor.

This really ties into my love language of quality time. If I am important enough, people will make the time because they value that time we get to share together. So when certain folks didn’t show up, I felt bad about it, disappointed and well… it showed me that even something as trivial as a 26th birthday, I wasn’t worth the effort or the heads up. I know I downplayed the invitation, mostly because I didn’t want people to feel obligated to go and to make a really big thing out of it. I just wanted to spend time with people in a nice environment that would serve that purpose.

So I brushed it off. Through the advice of a friend, I did inquire about the disappearance of one of those people, but even then, I still didn’t feel satiated. But I was willing to let it go. Then came Tuesday, the actual day of my birthday. I know I didn’t want to make a big fuss about it and didn’t publicize it widely and while I did get some nice wishes, for the most part, I spent my day alone. I knew I would have had a late class, so I didn’t plan for anything and when I did, I figured that I had given people enough heads up to at least swing by to say hi, enjoy some food and/or dessert.

As vulnerable as it could have been, I showed up, sat at a table and ate dessert by myself. While I treated it as a “cafe-like” setting where I can enjoy my own company while playing Candy Crush, at the same time, I was disappointed again that I was there by myself. I know it’s not a big thing and I’ll eventually get over it, but it really just didn’t sit well with me. I kept thinking about revenge and if I had done something to provoke this kind of response, but then I realized that even if I had, I would have preferred a discussion about my behavior and how I could remedy that in order to save a relationship. I don’t do well with vague behaviors or responses; I would much rather have someone tell me straight up how it is and how we can work together in a partnership that is collaborative and mindful of each others’ needs.

But I really would have been okay with it. I suppose what is setting off my current mood is that I recently had a dinner that I was really disappointed in. I did my best to acknowledge that this person had taken the time out of the work week to spend time with me, despite how busy the week can be and that generally we meet on the weekends. However, I wouldn’t have been in town this weekend, so we scheduled a mid-week dinner. And I really did appreciate that because I knew it wasn’t easy to get away. But the mood for the entire meal, at least on my end, just felt tense. I could sense stress and to be honest, I didn’t want to inquire about it for fear that if I had, a comment would have been directed at me and I just wanted to do the best I could to have a pleasant evening. I guess there lies the irony. I still haven’t decided if I want to bring this up because I can understand why the mood wasn’t particularly jolly, but at the same time, I expected a level of quality to our time together and that level just wasn’t met. Essentially, I felt like a nuisance during that dinner and I was trying really hard not to apologize for it because although I felt like one, I really wasn’t. I was just a person who wanted some quality time and at the very least was hoping that it would be jolly, despite the different stressors of the week.

And that brings me back to whether or not I should bring it up, because here I am, demanding of the time to meet mid-week, knowing full well that it wasn’t a desired day to meet, yet I was pushing for a dinner anyway. Do I have the right to complain about the quality if I knew that my dinner partner would have been swamped with work? Or do I accept that as part of the package deal if we meet mid-week? Or do I stand up for myself because I deserve to have a decent, non-tense meal in which I don’t feel bothersome to the other person?

I don’t know yet and I haven’t decided on how to proceed with any of my feelings. I know that I’ll have to put it aside for the weekend as I am celebrating a friend’s wonderfully last days of being a single woman, but I wonder if I’ll still feel the same when I return.

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